Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
