I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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