he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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