Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
