The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
