my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
