2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
