like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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