Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
