so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
