You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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