i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
