This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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