oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
