I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
is that a dick in a sweater?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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