No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
