I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize