This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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