did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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