I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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