If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
