hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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