wrigley field is MILF paradise
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
