I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
