Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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