Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I forgot wine drunk hurts
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize