sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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