I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Small penises have feelings too.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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