I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
