My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
