ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
