totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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