i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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