Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
