if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize