don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
