Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
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