I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
