Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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