you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
