theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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