proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
