Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
