I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
