I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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