When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
