Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
