Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
NoShamevember. You game?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize