there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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