You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
