last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
