i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
