Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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