when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
