We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
