I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
