I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
