I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize