So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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