Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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