I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
