Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
