I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
