the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
