RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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